I covered every mirror in my house so I didn’t have a look at myself.
I hated the sight of me.
I hated how I was once whole and beautiful.
But then I got cancer and I was suddenly broken and ugly.
I thought I would never get over the loss of me and who I used to be.
The body that I used to be.
I spent a long time after treatment grieving my beauty.
It was a dark time and it felt like I’d never have joy in my life again.
But I eventually discovered that in order to find the brightest light, we must first endure the blackest darkness.
I had to go through that hell in order to find my way to heaven.
I never thought I’d love myself looking like this.
With one deformed nippleless breast.
But that was because I’d never understood the true meaning of self love.
And I only found out what true self love and acceptance was because I went through cancer.
It was the hardest lesson in my life, and at times I felt I might die from the emotional pain of it.
But it turned out to be the best lesson in my life; it set me free from the demons of low self esteem that had been plaguing me since I was a child.
Of course I still have days of not believing in myself, of not accepting myself, of not seeing myself as beautiful.
But those days are few and far between now.
And when those days do come they don’t swallow me whole.
Now I have the tools and the wisdom to experience the darkness but not get sucked in.
Now I refuse to put myself down.
Now I tell myself I am beautiful every single day without fail… even the days when I don’t feel it.
And I will only ever do the things that nurture, uplift and empower me.
Accepting who I am.
Accepting how I look.
As a beautiful imperfect breast cancer survivor.
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