I am trying to push it down, to ignore it, in the hope it will just go away... but I can feel it there festering inside me.
It's too much to keep down, the anger keeps seeping out into my words to other people even though it's me I am angry with.
I went to the Mind, Body & Spirit Festival in London yesterday and I spent money I do not have. I was like a kid in a candy store. A kid who had lived on a desert island her whole life and had never seen candy before. Then she's suddenly pushed into this giant-sized room full of sugary treasures and pleasures. But in order to buy these magical sweets she must chip away a little bit of her soul.
It sounds dramatic but it's my truth.
Yes, I came home with wonderful things: a giant-sized meditation cushion from India, a silver bracelet from Thailand and an expensive hemp supplement for my dogs. But my soul came back vacuous and hollow.
Each purchase I made my ego rejoiced, each purchase I made my ego's stature grew. He grew and grew until he was towering over me and I got lost in his shadow.
I don't know what happened...all I know is I fell into a mind-numbing shopping frenzy before I had a chance to catch myself. It happened so quick, one minute my true self was there and the next she was gone.
So you see, I still screw up. Yes I have the answers now, I have the tools and the wisdom... but I am human and sometimes I do not catch myself in time.
The question is what do I do now?
The old me would beat myself up to a pulp.
"How could you do that?!?"
"You've learnt nothing!!!"
"Soon you'll have no money and that's all on you!"
"You're such an idiot!!!!!!!"
I'd want to hurt myself, to punish myself for my mistake.
But for me now... well that's just plain madness.
I WILL NOT. I REFUSE.
I will acknowledge my mistake and I will learn from it, but I will also love and forgive myself.
I will take some quiet reflective time today and truly connect with myself. If I don't want these yucky disgusting feelings that are surging through me right now...these painful feelings of guilt, shame and regret, then I must stay connected to a power greater than myself.
A Higher Power, God, Mr G, Mother Earth, Angels, Spirit Guides, Gandolph or Yoda...pick one that resonates with you.
The key is to have one and try your upmost to stay connected to it at all times.
Now I know one of my danger zones, a spiritual festival brimming with all the goodies I love. So next time, before I walk in, I will have an internal dialogue with Mr G. I will ask him to protect me from myself and keep me immersed in his will and his way. I will ask him to protect me from my impulse and I will pay attention to what he says back.
And right this second I just got the message... it said next time you are at a festival like that, and you see something you want, immediately walk away from it. Enjoy the festival and do not return to that thing for at least an hour. In that time really think about if you truly need and want that item as much as you impulsively and instantly thought. If you still feel the same pull, if you still want to purchase the item, then return to it and see if it is still there or not. Trust I (Mr G) will make sure it is still there if I want you to have it.
And there you have it...I made a mistake, I forgave myself and I learnt an invaluable lesson.
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