I ASKED FOR IT.
For many years of my life I had an eating disorder - anorexia and bulimia. During that time my life only revolved around the superficial and surface level. All that mattered to me was the way I looked and comparing myself to the way other people looked. My focus was all and only fixated on the outside and I completely neglected my inside.
I cringe admitting this to you, but when I was in the heart of the disease, I would say over and over again that I would rather get cancer than get fat.
I would rather get cancer than get fat.
And the scariest thing is that (at the time) I meant every word of it.
That’s how lost in the disease of anorexia and bulimia I was.
My eating disorder controlled me, and everything I did. I was brutal; forcing myself to exercise at the gym for hours, starving myself, overdosing on laxatives and diuretics, and even self harming myself physically with a Stanley knife or burning myself with a cigarette.
It breaks my heart now to think about how horrible I was to myself, how cruel and unkind I was to me.
But I was consumed, all that mattered to me was being pretty and slim, and that other people thought I was pretty and slim.
I didn’t have a minuscule particle of self-esteem, I hated my guts, I was completely lost in darkness.
I looked for affirmation everywhere except within me; which now I know is the only place true affirmation can be found.
So yes, I admit, I said to the universe more than once, I’d rather get fat than get cancer, and the universe heard me loud and clear.
Sadly cancer was the only way I was going to learn self-love; the only way I could stop the madness and finally be kind to myself.
Cancer stole my exterior beauty, and by doing so it forced me to dig deep and find my beauty elsewhere. And that’s when I started looking within, and discovered that I could feel beautiful from the inside out instead of the other way around.
It wasn’t an easy lesson to learn…the hardest lesson of my life in fact, but it has enabled me to fall in love with myself, to love and accept myself just the way I am. It has given me more happiness than I can contain in my body and freed me from my eating disorder completely.
I'm not saying cancer is a good thing, cancer f*cking sucks... we all know that.
I'm just saying that I believe the only way I was going to master the art of self love was to go through the hell that I endured.
Please, please don't hate yourself. Love your beautiful imperfect self. No one in the world can love you better than you can. And if you don't know how then I can show you.
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