Not that that makes my journey any less or more difficult than anyone else's...it just is what it is.
My mistake was that the self hate that ensued after treatment led me to marry a man I should never have married.
You see after my mastectomy I thought no one would love me again. I felt deformed and defected like a broken doll in a tattered bargain bin in the corner of a toy shop. Why would a man love me when he could love a woman with healthy whole breasts that don't have any scars?
But then a man did show interest, and whether we really had anything in common or were right for each other didn't seem to enter my head. A man wanted me and that felt incredible considering I felt like an unlovable monster. Now Mr. G wasn't having any of it...he kept sending sign after sign, hint after hint, signal after signal...and I ignored all of them like a complete nob. It was so obvious the universe was trying to stop me from making a mistake...but I held on to my own self will and didn't listen.
I felt it in my soul, I knew at the time that he wasn't right for me but I ignored my gut instinct.
Fear of course, it's always the fear that screws things up!
I was scared that this man was the only man who would love me post cancer treatment. And by thinking such ridiculous and toxic thoughts I was doing a huge disservice to him ands a huge disservice to me.
Suffice to say I learnt the hard way.
I looked to him (my ex) to take away all of my suffering and despair, I expected him to be the answer to all my problems.... my husband, the magician that could wave his magic wand and make everything bad disappear!
Can anyone else relate to putting that pressure on another person? Looking for happiness through someone else?
If you can then I've got some bad news for you.
YOU are the only one who can truly make you happy. Not a fleeting moment happy, but the kind of happy that comes from deep within your soul and lasts forever.
No one else can fix the pain inside of you. They can't see the pain inside, they don't know it or understand it... only you do. They can't take an X-ray of your soul to see what's bothering you so they can magic it all away.
BUT YOU CAN FIX YOU!
With the right tools, with advice and guidance and support, you CAN put yourself back together.
Once I got my divorce I started to fix myself with patience, love and complete willingness.
I am not saying divorce your husband!!! That was just my journey.
But I am saying don't put the pressure of making you happy on somebody else.
You can find your happy and I can help you find it. ❤️❤️❤️
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