... not a good combination!
When Mr G. made me, when he was putting all my magical bits together to form my heavenly whole, he forgot one vital ingredient...patience!
If only there were a store where I could go and get some patience, a bits & pieces store where you can take your defects and trade them in for the good stuff. Oh how awesome that would be!
Impatience and cancer do not go well together. The combination does not create a kick ass cocktail to be sipped beside the pool, on the contrary, impatience and cancer is like oil and water... it doesn't matter how much you shake the two together they just don't mix!
Impatience and life after cancer is much the same.
I struggled most with my impatience when it came to moving on after treatment, and going 'back' to normal. You see, I just wanted to snap my fingers and have my old life back. The cancer nightmare was over so I expected to immediately go back to the way things were before. But every part of my was slow to heal, slow to let go of the trauma I had just been through, and slow to move on.
My body was tired, the 15 rounds of chemotherapy had taken their toll. I wanted to be back to my fit and energetic self right away but my body wasn't having any of it...it needed time to heal.
Emotionally I wanted to be all happy go lucky because I had survived cancer! I wanted a permanent big cheesy smile on my face and to be saturated in utter joy that I was still alive. But my spirit wasn't feeling it; it still needed time to mourn. My soul still needed time to process all the feelings that rose to the surface once the treatment was over.
I had to let go of wanting to control the timing of everything, of wanting to control the timing of my healing, of my life, of me.
If you care about yourself then you cannot rush the process. You must be loving and self nurturing, that is the only way to heal and truly move on. It will take whatever time it takes...so it's best if you just make peace with that.
I would have saved myself so much pain, anxiety and disappointment if I'd only just slowed down. Hindsight's a funny little bugger isn't it?
So the moral of the story? Be gentle with yourself. You've experienced a huge trauma and you need to allow yourself to heal slowly but surely. And do not doubt the healing will happen, even if it is at a snail's pace, it's the patience and love you have towards yourself that helps you to heal the most,