I wanted to share my story.
In the hope it might reach one person who needs some faith that they can beat this confusing and complicated ‘disease’.
You CAN beat this disease, addiction, affliction or whatever you want to call it.
You can beat it because I did, and if I can, you can.
I am in recovery from Anorexia and Bulimia.
For over 15 years of my life I tortured myself, punished myself and hurt myself through my relationship to food, exercise and most of all my relationship to myself.
I would either starve or purge anything I had in my stomach.
I would force myself to spend 3 to 4 hours at the gym.
I would take 20 - 40 diuretics and laxatives a day.
It was a continuous hell.
I hated myself.
I hated the sight of myself.
I hated everything about me.
I was racked with guilt, shame, low self worth, insecurity and hopelessness.
I just wanted to die so my suffering would end.
I never imagined, not even for a second, that I could ever be free from that darkness.
But today I live in light.
Today I love and accept myself and my body just as we are.
Today I am head over heels in love with exactly who I am.
Even the fucked up bits.
I swear to you, it’s true.
Yes I still have shit days.
But those moments don’t swallow me whole anymore.
And 80% of the time I am happy.
Which is more than enough for me.
So how did I free myself from the eating disorder that was destroying my life?
It’s cliched, corny and naff.
I learnt to love myself.
From the inside out.
Instead of trying to fill the hole inside me with outside things.
Like booze, drugs, overeating, starving, buying shit I don’t need, watching too much tv, or spending too many hours at the gym.
I dared to go within and deal with the feelings I’d spent my whole life avoiding.
I went to Eating Disorder Anonymous groups.
I read anything and everything by Louise Hay.
I reached out and I asked for help.
And was willing to do whatever it took in order to get better.
And I did get better.
So please, whoever you are, wherever you are don’t give up.
Because you can beat this.