I used to have an eating disorder. For 15 years I punished and persecuted my body. I would spend between 90 minutes to three hours at the gym. Did I do this out of joy? Absolutely not, in my twisted thinking I simply didn’t have a choice. it was either that or waking up the next morning fat. I feel exhausted just remembering it. Sure, my body looked awesome on the outside, but it was damaged, bruised, tortured and crumbling on the inside.
It’s a miracle... my mind goes back there as I write this and it is an absolute miracle. I am just in awe at my journey and how I made it to where I am today. My inside is shiny, and healthy, and happy. The demons are nowhere to be seen and have been replaced by shiny happy organs. My liver giggles with glee, my stomach has a ridiculous grin because of all the self-love that’s going on in there, and my heart is so full of light it wears sunglasses.
I was horrible to me, I continually tortured myself because the self hate, the low self esteem, and the insecurity were eating me alive.
I ended up going to rehab for my eating disorder. Yup the 12 step program isn’t just for alcoholics and drug addicts…it’s for the crazy people with food issues too!
I’ve worked through the steps of the program a few times…and writing this blog I’ve suddenly realised there was someone important I forgot to work on when I did Step 8.
Step 8 is ‘Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.’ I was willing, and I did make a lot of amends to a lot of people. But I realised just now that I never made amends to myself… how on earth could I forget such an important person?
In fact out of everyone and anyone I have ever wronged it was myself that I treated the worst.
Well at least I’ve already started apologising to myself. I apologise and forgive myself every day.
All that brutal cancer treatment really put the shit I put myself through into perspective. After having a tit cut off and chemo pumped in my veins, I kinda wander why I would starve myself or force myself to sweat it out at the gym every day for so long? What a nob!
I still work out, I want my body to be a healthy and happy. But I don’t push myself to extremes anymore. All the exercise I do is nurturing, tender, so full of love. I train with weights just once a week, to keep my bones strong, as the cancer medication I am now taking has brought on the early onset of osteoporosis. Yup… at the ripe young age of 44.
But that’s as hardcore as I go, and when I do weight train I don’t take it too seriously and have fun with my trainer. He took this video of me training today and that’s why I wrote this blog…because I’m so happy in this video, I’m not forcing myself to exercise I’m just taking care of my body and having fun at the same time.
I'm so damn proud of myself and how far I’ve come...it’s official...I am awesome!